But within something like one hour, this blog had hit around 700 page views, and when I woke up this morning, the page had been viewed over 1000 times. Now, I know some of that is just people revisiting the blog, but still. ONE FREAKING THOUSAND times in the span of a few hours!
That. Is. Just. Cray.
At first I was all like,
And then I was all like,
And then I thought to myself:
Wednesday Thursday Friday.
A bajillion people just visited this blog and saw me in a sports bra and witnessed my off-center belly button.
Zomg.
Insecurity.
It is the worst.
It brought me back to some of the first times I went to the gym. Those times of insecurity, when I felt like everyone was staring at me.
Those times of approaching a machine and not being sure where my arms were supposed to go and how my legs were supposed to move, and walking away feeling like, "Everyone knows I have no clue what I am doing."
...
Pulling my pants up and thinking, "Why is everyone at this gym so fit? How can I hide my muffin top?"
...
And then pulling them way too high and thinking, "Firstly, I have a major wedgie and secondly, if I want to hide my muffin top, my pants give me major CT. There's just no winning."
...
I wish that someone back then had just told me, "Chill, Lydia. No one is looking at you. Everyone is doing their own thing. Most people use the machines incorrectly anyways."
Like this lady:
Or this dude:
But most of all, I wish someone had just told me how much my insecurities reflected my own heart towards others. If I was worried other people would judge me because of my muffin top, was it because, secretly, deep down in my heart, I actually judged other women because of their even bigger muffin tops? Because I'll admit it, I totally did do that, and still do sometimes.
Whenever I saw a woman who was smaller than me, I'd feel really insecure, thinking, "Wow, she must look at me and think I have just let myself go."
All the pressure and judgement I put on other people weighed down my own heart as well. I saw myself like I saw other people, and I didn't like who I saw.
When I started losing weight, that insecurity started to shift to boastfulness. Because really, insecurity and boasting are just two sides of coin of pride. I would think to myself, "If person X just worked as hard as I did, they could get rid of that muffin top," or, "I work so hard and I still have cellulite. Those perfect-bodied women at the gym must have no life except for the gym."
Welcome to my messed up head, ladies.
The thing is, I don't think I'm alone in these sentiments (or maybe I am..because I'm pretty ridiculous). As women HUMANS, aren't we always comparing? Adam was all like, "Yeah, I did something wrong, but Eve was worse than me!" But God. He's so different, it's wack. Unlike us, He was completely unblemished. Completely spotless. Rife with reason to judge us and perfect in His ability to do so. And yet, He traded in his perfection for an unremarkable body (Is 53:2) and loved us with unrelenting love. And when God should have judged us and compared us to His perfect standard, the judgement instead fell on His Son.
This changes so much about how we, as ladies, can approach the gym and each other. It means we can step out into the gym with confidence because the only one who matters ALREADY loves us. ALREADY accepts us. He is ALREADY in the process of changing us to make us more like him.
It means that when we look at each other, we don't need to miss out on the opportunities to encourage each other and love each other, because we were first loved by Someone so much greater.
And. It means that we can stop striving. To look a certain way. To be a certain way. To appear like we have it all together.
When we experience this kind of security, this kind of freedom from shame and insecurity, it frees us from the judgements we make on other women. Instead of saying, "You don't measure up to the ideal," we can say together, "Hey. None of us measure up to the ideal and that's why we need a Greater Hope than any human being can offer."
True words, Clive. True words."True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less." - C.S. Lewis
I'm a lot less insecure this time because I'm married and have a baby. Like there's no one to impress. I'm there to get healthy.
ReplyDeleteI still play weird self-focused mind games, though. Like: "I wonder what their reactions would be if they know my boobs are big because they're full of MILK." (Also I'm very curious what people thought that time I lost one of my breast pads haha. I came back to the locker room and one was gone! I have zero clue how/where/when haha)
They're self-obsessed thoughts that reveal I'm not as outward focused as is probably ideal, even if it's slightly less insecure as I was formerly.
HAHAH the breast pad part made me lol.
DeleteFirst of all Knope for the win.
ReplyDeleteSecond I needed to hear this.
Oh insecurities stop reflecting the state of my heart that forgets I'm loved. And heart remember you are loved, completely.
Your thoughts are hilarious and the reason I keep coming back to this blog! As I try to keep my muffin top in check, thank you for reminding me about the One who cares most about changing me on the inside. Thanks for sharing and I just wanted to let you know I'm just one in the 1000 hits to your blog :)
ReplyDelete"A bajillion people just visited this blog and saw me in a sports bra and witnessed my off-center belly button." Lol. I already find just blogging scary; to me, you are like brave x100. Thanks for being vulnerable on this blog, Lydia! And I think I -- and women everywhere -- needed this:
ReplyDelete" It means that when we look at each other, we don't need to miss out on the opportunities to encourage each other and love each other, because we were first loved by Someone so much greater." Truth.