efficiency, productivity and perfection

I haven't written here in a long time. To be honest, a part of it has been out of fear; we all know those women who can only talk about pregnancy once they're pregnant (blegh!), and I've been quite fearful of becoming one of those women. But I also haven't written here because...mind over matter, right? And I've tried to really grin and bear things out without becoming a complainey-complainer. After having a miscarriage, I am very aware at how much of a gift this pregnancy is, and the last thing I want is to sound ungrateful.

But the truth is, this pregnancy hasn't been the easiest. It started off with being so congested that it led to what the doctor told me was Patulous Eustachian Tube. Basically, because of surging hormones, I became so congested that I started hearing echoing in my ears. Every sound I heard would reverberate around my head. It was like wearing a permanent metal bucket over my head, and I was pretty sure I would go cray cray.

 

Thankfully, it only lasted 4 weeks.

But then came morning sickness, which, AHEM, is more like all-day sickness. It usually dissipates around 9-13 weeks, but I'm almost at 36 weeks and still throwing up every.single.day.

A few months ago, I dislocated one SI joint, which means extreme back pain whenever I move. Then, I dislocated the other SI joint. Turns out, the same hypermobility which means I have a good squat at the gym means that, when pregnant, all hell breaks loose in my body and things move out of place really easily. YAY.

I also started breaking out in a really severely itchy rash all over my stomach and legs. Turns out, I have PUPPS...which is just a fancy term for: my body hates being pregnant. I don't sleep a lot, mostly because I'm so itchy, but also because my bladder is the size of a peanut.

Then, this past week, my right hand started going numb, making it really hard to do things like...use a FORK. Simple, fine motor skills are becoming increasingly difficult. The OB wasn't surprised at all. Pregnancy induced carpal tunnel syndrome.

Oh, and let's not forget the 55 pounds I've somehow managed to gain in just a few short months.

I'm winning at pregnancy.

This pregnancy has been full of awe and wonder, but toughest thing about this pregnancy has been the drastic change in my body. I am not good in dealing with change. I went into this pregnancy in the best physical shape and I've always been really good at pushing through pain. I'm used to being fast, efficient, effective and doing things with perfection. I ran a 10k in an hour with a fractured foot. When I developed shingles last year, I think I only missed one gym day.

But the past few months have made me slow and lumbering. My mind is slow and my hands are slower. My face is round and my body, rounder. It took me hours last night to start and finish sewing a onesie & hat. Something that would have only taken me a little while earlier on this year. It's been frustrating. We wrote holiday cards last week and I had to take a break every two cards that I wrote. At the gym this week, I had to ask my trainer for help when I couldn't get up from lying down.



It was exactly like that video.

All this frustration has made me realize what I really prize in life: speed, efficiency, effectiveness and perfection.

The thing is, I have a feeling motherhood will be quite like this pregnancy. Full of awe-filled moments, but also full of pain, slowness and moments of pure drudgery, where things feel ineffective and inefficient. As I've sat thinking about this and the monumental change that is going to happen soon, it has also made me think about how God doesn't prize the things that I prize. He isn't at the sidelines filled with awe and wonder at my efficiency and skill. And one day, when my race is over, he won't say "well done, good and faithful servant. I'm impressed by your speed and accuracy."He will say "well done, good and faithful servant" because of what Jesus accomplished on the cross on my behalf.

I'll need a little reminding, but what this means is that it is o.k. to be slow. That it is o.k. to not always be efficient. That it is o.k. to be weak. And even more, that it is o.k. to rest. Because we were created to rest in the finished work of Jesus.