tough times

Last week was BAD. The husband and I had a terrible flu, which means that we cooked very little at home and ate take-out a LOT. While we were delirious, we found a (town)house that we really loved, got all our financing in order, and then subsequently lost an 8 person bidding war by about 70k. (Not going to lie, losing by that much made me feel a lot better than had we lost by $1000). During that time, our dog also consumed a huge bowl of grapes and had to be rushed to the emergency vet clinic, where we dumped a crapload of money on getting her stomach pumped. We joked that she was the reason we lost the bidding war...which isn't super far from the truth.

What this also meant is that I didn't make it to the gym at all last week. I went to ballet twice, but exercising twice a week just isn't enough. So when I went to the gym today... it was BAD news.

I was pretty much like this:



I left feeling really discouraged and feeling really mad at myself. Irrationally mad. Like the, "I should have gone to the gym last week, even though I had the flu and was seeing constant spots" kind of insanity.

Going to the gym makes me often fluctuate between feeling really proud of myself for blasting through old goals and feeling really down about myself for being stuck on new goals. I oscillate between arrogance and despair. Satisfaction when the scale numbers are down, despondency when I work hard, feel the pain, but see no change.

Today, leaving the gym, I thought to myself, "It would be so easy to never come back here."

What I need to remember is that this isn't about seeing numbers fall off the scale. It isn't about fitting into a size 00 dress, or even a size 4 dress. It isn't about being able to do a million pushups or that one (elusive, to me, at least) chin-up. For a long time, health was something I wasn't relinquishing to God. Many days, it's still not something to which I waive my "rights". I mean, just this Sunday, I was at a party HOLDING a whole bag of tortilla chips in my arms like a baby. Some creeper (hi, dan!) who reads this blog actually came up to me, pried the chips out of my hands and took them away from me.

But going to the gym, getting healthy, eating right, these are all just opportunities for me to experience the joy that comes from surrendering more and more of my life to the Creator who made me. Ultimately, that's what this is all about. This is the Spirit-filled life. It's not about the physical results, it's not about hitting 130 or a 20% body fat reading. It's about walking intimately with a Divine Artist and allowing Him the room, as I surrender, to mould and sculpt my soul to become more like His. That is a worthwhile cause.

The nice bod..that's just a perk ;)